Disclaimer: This article contains graphic truth. Readers are advised to exercise caution and proceed at their own risk. For others, this is a work of satire and the opinions belong to those of the author alone. She likes to think she is humorous in ways more than one. You may now proceed.
Years
after the classic dilemma presented by Shakespearean ‘to be or not
to be’, the world is faced with another question equally tantalizing and
equally significant and consequential. This question has divided the world into
two blocs after the Twilight saga; those who love a show and those who don’t. To
behead or not to behead is the new riddle doing the rounds. Gone are the
days when the topics of discussion in gatherings or over coffee used to be
centered on the development of the human race, its betterment and well being. All
thanks to the Islamic State, well or so it is called, the world is obsessed
with ritualistic beheadings by masked men bearing the flags with kalima
wahdat written over it, posing in Hollywood like poses with blood dripping
from knives holding the captives like sheep about to be slaughtered. And, slaughtered they are,
for real or as a staged promo of their caliphate, is another question that
divides opinions of people.
This new avatar of ‘real life violence filled video games’ has come
as a savior for many who were tired of killing people on screen, or well even
of shooting people in universities and schools, mostly in America and Nigeria.
So why not pick up guns and go around slicing people, crucifying them and in a
bid to promote the sports appeal, play football with severed heads. Honestly,
ask yourselves, what can beat that? And what do you need to do to enroll?
Zilch, nothing at all. You only have to recite the kalima, hate almost everyone
who doesn’t adhere to the ‘kill them, slice them, if needed even dice them’
ideology and well proceed to implement your ideology. The biggest perk is you
get to tell the world that it is Islam, the religion that for years has been
promoted by people as the religion of peace and harmony. Bingo! You have
successfully created a breed of Islamophobes (MS Word doesn’t recognize this
word, are you kidding me?). Now these people who look at Muslims as masked
people wielding guns, knives, swords, sporting long beards, wearing headscarves
and playing with severed heads, will do their best to stop an attack on board
an airplane by a Muslim woman by not allowing her a can of diet coke. That
reminds me aren’t we supposed to ban all the western stuff? No of course they
have properly enslaved and addicted us so much so that the overtly ‘islamic
beyond islam’s belief’ ISIS even can’t help wearing western brands while
threatening the west. Talk about principles and values.
You can run, you can hide but you can’t escape the Islamic State.
It’s almost omnipresent; on YouTube in form of beheading and rap contest
videos, on Facebook in form of cyber warriors fighting on cyber front, on
Twitter and who knows maybe even on Instagram. Let’s click a selfie with these
wonderful severed heads on fences, now that we aren’t saving Syria, or Iraq, or
Yemen, or Tunisia, or Nigeria, oh well the world if you will. Fear not world,
Uncle Sam has been replaced by the ‘Men in Black’. You will be saved except for
those filthy shias, moderate shia loving sunnis, sufis, Hindus, Christians,
Jews, Buddhists and all other religions and schools of thought that exist. Yeah, well I meant they would save, well,
themselves. Takbeer. However I love the Islamic state for their values
and consistency; I mean they slaughter people, enslave them and use Hummers to
move around, have anti aircraft missiles and those smart phones as well. You
have to learn this from them. Moreover the prioritization of the enemies in the
list is remarkable; Israel can wait, they can bomb Gaza to keep themselves busy
but first dissenters in Muslim faith need to go. That’s what is important. They
are the heroes keeping your countries safe for you, bringing down historic
buildings and shrines for you and most importantly establishing caliphate for
you (on their own) after they have done away with you of course.
On a serious note I don’t know where the world would be without IS;
there would be nobody bombing mosques and pilgrim buses, killing Musims and
enslaving non muslims. My heart is filled with gratitude to ‘mujahideen’ who
have revamped Islam and its face; who have made Islam a cause of scare and
repulsion, whose knowledge of the Quran is based on a random game called ‘pick
a verse supporting violence without context and use it for justification’. I
have to thank them for making the revered word of takbeer so fearful that it
has become a joke to tease and harass Muslims who live surrounded by non
muslims, constantly at the receiving end of jokes and bullies. I have to thank
them for making the work of enemies of Islam easier by killing Muslims and
distorting the image of a religion and a prophet who advocated defense and not
war. I thank them for not adhering to even one rule of engagement during a war,
if that is what it is. All of us ignorant people sitting at home, reading the
same Quran, reading and emulating the life of the holy prophet (sawaw) are
desperately trying to be good humans first, but look at these “momin” brothers
who have perfected the interpretation of Quran and Hadith while also composing
rap songs about themselves. That is no bi’ddah mind you, it’s only what you,
you ordinary Muslim possessing a sound mind does, you kafir! And now if you
will excuse me I need to log into YouTube to check out their latest video: “How
to make an infant a jihadi in 30 days”. Till then choose the answer to the
question I asked, after you have said the takbeer of course. To behead or
not to behead.
